What you can do about the My boyfriend and I are struggling with purity problem

First of all, I would like to say that I am happy and impressed that you are seeking a solution to this.

Being a person of faith and values is very hard in this day and age. You may be generally viewed as weird, or old-fashioned.

 But if you are a committed Christian or one of strong moral values you already understand and know that what you are doing with your boyfriend isn’t right as it should only take place in marriage.

However, being a Christian or being a person that holds purity in high value does not mean that you are immune to slipping or being weak.

One of God’s beloved King David slipped when he had his affair with Bathsheba. (2nd Samuel Chapter 11) So in all sincerity, it’s hard.

But then there are also success stories like Joseph and his encounter with Potiphar’s wife. (Genesis 39)

In fact, just know you become a prime target of the evil one. After all, there is no need to worry about the people you have already won over. 

Someone like you however is not completely one over because right now you desire to rise and fight back and go back to doing and leaving the right way.

Be prepared it will not be easy but one with God is a majority. If you have faith and humble yourself before him and sincerely ask for his help you will overcome.

Now let’s look at how you can achieve this. I have listed some actionable tips below it’s a combination of what I have learnt in the past and some research on how other fellow Christians have managed this particular problem

Action is key here the bible tells us faith is not enough we always need to work to make things happen.

Tip one: Decide sincerely that you want to stop. 

 This will work better if you both understand and agree that you need to do so. It will be harder if you are trying to get out of it alone. (Note not impossible but harder) so do your best to get him to agree to fix this with you.

Tip 2: Break the cycle by separating from each other for a while

 You need to separate yourself from your boyfriend physically for a few days. (I would advise at least three but if you can do a week better) If you’re leaving together you need to move out or he needs to move out.

 Now I am not saying you can’t call or video call but do not physically see each other for a couple of days.

Here is why: You and your boyfriend have fallen into a habit and habits are hard to break. So what you need to do first is break the habit.

Generally, experts say it takes at least thirty days to break a bad habit. So hitting the first thirty days without falling should be your first goal.

Now, I have to add some additional words of warning here. I am not saying that after thirty days you should relax far from it. what I’m trying to say here is that if you are committed to breaking free, the first thirty days of working on this will be the hardest.

After that, if you stick to your dedicated plan which you will create (you will find how to do so down below as you read) it will be easier for you to sustain.

Tip Three: Create a calendar to help you track your successes

Both of you should create a calendar and every single day you keep your promise of purity to God you cross out a day or mark it as a win. Or write something there that will keep you encouraged to go on such as a prayer or words of motivation: I kept my promise to you father in heaven today. Thank you. Help me to do so again tomorrow. Or anything that encourages you.

Now, this is also where tip number two helps again because you start counting from the first day you have not seen each other so that by the time you start seeing each other in person again you will have some days ticked off as successful this will make it harder for you to slip because you would not want to break this beautiful line of success you already have.

Tip Four: Start every date you are on with a prayer for purity.

Yes, it might seem awkward at first but it will strengthen both of your resolves to stay pure.  

Tip Five:

 As much as possible plan future dates and other activities with a group of like-minded people (most likely this will be with Christians like yourself) or people with a similar belief system. 

Your friends should also understand that their presence is meant to help you both avoid temptation. 

The reason for this should be obvious as friends we tend to do favours for each other and if you’re not very clear with them on what you’re trying to avoid, they may think you need extra privacy rather than not.

Tip Six: Reduce the amount of time you see each other.

This could be the number of hours or days or both.

 If you spend too much time together you are likely to fall into temptation. 

 Fill out such times with other activities like working or studying you know, those activities that can facilitate your being together in marriage, in the long run. Involving yourself in church activities is also something you can do.

Tip Seven: For times when you will be alone together agree on rules to help you keep your vow of purity. 

Try to create a plan for what you want to do when you meet up. This will ensure for example that you put yourself in a safe environment. Want to watch a movie? Consider the cinema rather that his place or your place. Agree on how many hours you will spend together and what you will be doing during does hours.

So if you are meeting up know the location the time and the activity in advance (even if it’s just talking). 

Tip Eight: Draw closer to God personally

The closer you are to God the harder it will be for the devil to encourage you to get into situations that would cause you and your boyfriend to fall.

Tip Nine : Create strict rules for physical expressions of love.

How far is too far? How much is too much? What causes him or you to go over the edge? if being held or been spoken to in a particular way weakens you or him don’t engage in it.

Usually, for guys, all it takes are visuals. So for example, don’t dress provocatively when you meet up. 

I’m not saying dress shabbily either. Just dress in such a way that it makes him want to pop the question. You need to look like a beautiful rose in a garden that he wants to nurture and care for and not one he wants to pull off the petals and discard.

 Another example will be not watching movies with deep or high sexual content.

 I would encourage you to write these rules down. Writing it will help you to both be more committed, also it is not cast in stone if you discover for example you need to make the rules more strict please make the rules more strict!

Tip Ten: Plan your wedding as soon as possible

I want to believe and I hope you’re not dating for fun. The sole purpose of dating in my opinion is to find a life partner. 

If the boyfriend you’re currently with is not somebody you see yourself with or in all honesty you believe he’s not even seeing you in that light then you shouldn’t be dating him.

But if he’s the one the pull towards sex with not lessen but only get stronger the longer you date. Part of the function of sexual attraction we experience is to drive us towards marriage and frankly, that is the only real solution to the problem.

So essentially, rather than being in the continuous battle of trying to stay pure. Get married and be free to enjoy the pleasures of sex in marriage. 

I wish you all the best and say a small prayer that God will assist you to be faithful to him until that day.

p.s the above is just meant to be an aid ultimately God is the one who will give you his grace to stay faithful so please stay close to him in prayer and if you slip get back up again and restart!