How To Deal with a Cheating Husband Biblically

First of all, I want to say that I empathize with your suffering and pain at this very moment. They are probably no words to describe it.

But I also want to say here that I’m very happy and proud of you because rather than give up or become vengeful you have chosen to fight for your marriage.

Very few women are willing to do battle these days. Battles to win back things they have lost. Battles that rebuild rather than destroy. Battles that mend and restore.

You have chosen the right path though many will probably disagree. What you are trying to do now, your decision to find a solution on how to deal with your cheating husband biblically is the right one because it is what our saviour himself did.

In spite of all our failings, he still gave up his life so that we may be saved. Why did he do that? Because he loves us. (John 3:16)

The truth is that we do not give up on what we claim we truly love. Remember he left ninety-nine to go in search of one. So I repeat your decision to do this is the right thing and the brave thing even though it is also a hard and painful thing.

But by God’s power and grace, you will win. You will reclaim your husband not just from her or them. You will be reclaiming him for yourself and for God.

 So let’s begin:

Step One: Get control of yourself

The first thing you need to do is work on yourself and the first part of working on yourself is that you need to gain control of your emotions.

Right now you are probably an emotional mess; in a lot of pain and very sad. You may be feeling depressed and of course very angry. 

All of these feelings are very normal and you should not:

• Pretend they don’t exist or
• Allow them to get out of control 

So what is the way forward? You need to find a nice safe outlet for them. 

First Call on God

So your first and main point of call when you feel these emotions getting out of control is to raise your eyes to Heaven.

The psalmist said: I lift up my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

So when your feeling that you can’t take it anymore (that this cross is too much for you) let God be who you will turn to first. Crawl into his arms and just stay there. The beautiful thing about God is that you can meet him anywhere. 

You can go to church i.e meeting in his house or in your home in your bedroom. Both places are fine. 

You may find your home more comfortable and easy, but I also strongly recommend that you go to church whenever you can as well. When you want something badly from someone you naturally go and meet the person.

Do you remember how Samuel’s Mother (Hannah) got her greatest heart desire? (1 Samuel 1:1-19)

 She went to the temple and poured out her heart. Weeping bitterly her grief so much that she couldn’t even voice it out. But eventually, verse 19 specifically states …the Lord remembered her. So I greatly encourage you to go to the house of God whenever you can. 

So what do you do when you’re in the presence of God? How do you pray? My recommendation here will be to do whatever you feel like doing at that moment. This could be silent tears, loud tears, angry words, sad words anything and don’t worry about his reaction God can take anything you throw at him. He’s our creator and the only person you can really depend on one hundred per cent of the time to be there for you.

Secondly get support from people you trust

The second method to help you gain control of all these feelings will be to have the support of a trusted friend or group of friends or even family.

So in addition to carrying all your grief to God. You can get support from people around you.

A few extra words about this: if you find or feel that you can manage on your own that is fine.

But if having someone to talk to will help you greatly that is also ok. However, you have to be mindful of who you reach out to. Such a person or group of persons have to be trustworthy. So it may be a priest, a pastor, family, a close friend or a support group you believe can help and pray for you as you work towards your goal of winning your husband back.

Thirdly use a diary

Another method you can use is to create a diary. This will be especially useful for you if you would rather not share your burden with anyone. In that diary, you can express your feelings to God. Telling him everything. For security purposes, meaning if you don’t want people to have access to it, you can save it online. Writing things down is also a very powerful way of getting relief from emotional stress.

Step Two: Pray until God answers

So the next thing you are going to do is to create a prayer schedule. So essentially you’re going to have a time of day and location where you will pray to God to grant you your heart’s desire of restoring your husband to you.

Note your moments of silent tears, depression and despair are also prayers that is why I said you should take them to God. However, it is also necessary to create a specific time or times of the day to intentionally petition God for what you want.

 Pray persistently until God does it for you. Pray in the manner with which the lady in the parable of the unjust judge did. (Luke 18:1-8) Meaning you’re not going to stop until you receive what you want from God. Pray with faith,hope and the conviction that God will do it for you.

And to help you on this journey you will need to track it. So get a notebook or any kind of writing material on which you can write and every day that you pray mark it with a cross or anything you like, like a bible verse for example. You can also use a calendar. 

In fact you can use the same diary you created to write down your feelings to help track your prayers as well. 

Always number the day. So for example, if you’re starting today, today will be day one. The next day will be day two the day after day three and so on. Tracking your prayer in this manner will encourage you to keep going and not to give up and anytime you do feel like giving up and you look at how far you have come you won’t.

Now by the time you set up this routine and are using it. Your burden will not be less, but you will find yourself feeling stronger and better equipped to do the next set of things below.

Why because God’s grace whenever we ask for it is sufficient for us to carry our crosses when they come. And you will also find some measure of peace again as well.

Step Three: Work to get your husband back.

(James 2)

James tells us that faith without good work is dead. Jesus in the parable of the lost sheep makes that clear; The shepherd went out to look for the lost sheep and you are going to do the same. 

However, you are going to be tactical and strategic about it because outright chasing does not work and I will add that I was surprised to find out about this.

But I think in hindsight it makes sense this is so because men are the natural chasers in relationships. It’s kind of like a deer trying to chase a lion. The lion will be pretty much unimpressed. So rather than chase you are going to have to lure him in( you have to get him to start chasing you again): 

Now here are the things you are going to do to make this begin to happen:

Number one: 

You are not going to cry or beg him anymore to stop what he is doing. The first reason is that it has not stopped him. It doesn’t work. The second reason: recall the explanation I gave above.

Offer your tears and your unhappiness to God in private and lean on family and friends if you need to. 

Number Two: 

What you are going to do instead is the opposite you are going to be relaxed and happy around him. Whenever he sees you in the house you will look and feel alive and yes initially this will be hard to pull off but with God, on your side, you will pull it off.

What you are doing here is reminding him of what he is missing out on. You will become the woman he first fell in love with again.

This new you will be reflected in how you act and dress around him both at home and when you go out. So when you go out pull out the stops when at home be relaxed and sexy or at least look good.

Number Three:

Have a full life that doesn’t revolve around him. This might mean a job, taking up hobbies, or joining a club or association (these may be spiritual or not.) These will help improve your mood, build confidence and also make you happy.

These actions will also affect him. Men like to be top of mind in the lives of their women (yes that includes the cheating ones) the idea that they may have been replaced by other things or other persons will be felt.

Note: in a secure and happy marriage, this is not a problem because a good wife knows to always prioritise her spouse and her kids over all other outside activities. A happy well-loved husband has no problem with a wife having possibly a job or other activities outside him.

Number Four:

 Engage with him normally. Relate with him as if nothing is going on. So have a normal discussion about things you would normally talk about. Invite him to watch a movie with you if for example, it’s something you would normally do.

I know all this will be really hard but you have to try.

Number Five: 

Try to meet up with your duties as a wife and mother in the house. If there are areas you are not great at work to improve upon them.

You should also work on those areas in which he may have had valid complaints in the past about you.

I know at this point you may be wondering. Why am I the one with things to fix? What about him? Look at what he is doing.

All I can honestly tell you is that from the research I have done a lot of the women who have been in this situation and gotten out of it this was how they did it: by clearly demonstrating that out of all the women that exist in this entire universe there is none that compares to them non at all.

You need to make your husband feel that he is doing himself a massive disservice by being with anyone else but you. He has to feel like he is the biggest loser in all this. 

 And with God on your side, you will be able to turn his attention back on you again and in time his desire for you will slowly but surely return. 

Look at it this way. It becomes a choice between a few minutes or hours or days of pleasure that only last in the moment and is instantly replaced with guilt and shame the moment he leaves that woman’s side (because he is doing the wrong thing) or being permanently happy and at peace with you again.

Eventually, the desire to be happy and at peace with you should win out because let’s face it not only will he feel the torture of the knowledge of maltreating you he will also be out of the flimsy excuses he has been telling himself and possibly you for continuing his behaviour.

(I need to add here that there is never and will never be an excuse good enough that can be given for cheating.) It’s sinful in the eyes of God and he is wrong for breaking his vows of fidelity he made to you plain and simple.) 

Now I would like to add here that this new you that you are cultivating should stay forever. So it’s not a show you are putting on or a dress that you should take off after you have gotten your husband back. 

This new you is the you God has always called all married women to be and don’t worry if you are not perfect because no one is. All you need do is try to be the best wife you can be and that is it.

Number Six: Do Not Give him any bedroom activities (Important)

Now while you are giving him every other thing this is a No for now :

And here is the reason why despite all the good things he is getting from you he still also needs a big and powerful reason to want to be fully back in your life again.

 Essentially what you would be doing all this while is giving him his favourite food, his favourite every other thing except water. No one can survive long without water.

So what I am saying here is that he has to be missing a major part of you. If he is not missing you in any way he will not be interested in returning to you despite your effort to make things work in other areas of your lives together.

Also, men are always looking to have as much bedroom activity as they can. So if you choose to continue to give yourself in that way under the current circumstances rather than feeling discouraged he will be pleased that he is getting the best of both worlds. 

Essentially he would be eating his cake and keeping it at the same time. In fact, he will be feeling like a king having two women at the same time and we can’t have that.

Thirdly there is the health risk to you which you must take seriously. You don’t know the health status of the woman or the women he is spending time with.

Sometime back I heard a tragic story of a wife who caught HIV from her husband. The man found out about his status but shame and possibly pride did not allow him to say anything to his wife. So he kept quiet and was treating only himself. 

Note that if discovered early HIV is manageable though a disease without a cure at the time I wrote this post.

But because the man kept this horrible thing from her she went on to develop full-blown AIDS and at this point, the disease can no longer be managed and she died.

I have to add here I don’t know if this story is true. But it is something that can happen that’s for sure. 

So you really cannot afford to risk yourself. Your life is precious to you, to your kids if you have children as well as to your family and friends. Don’t gamble with it.

So our prayer is that in time, your husband will begin to want water i.e you. He will no longer be just satisfied with just the good other things he is getting he would want the full package.

And initially, he may try to get it without doing the proper thing.

So he may try emotional romantic overtures such as kissing, hugging or even luring you straight into bed. Or he may try to do so by bribing you with gifts or vacations or anything he knows you have a soft spot for.

But you must not fall for all that. Because at this crucial stage, it is all most likely an attempt to have the best of both worlds.

You are now a high-value wife and high-value wives are respected and worthy of love and he is not respecting you or loving you by keeping another woman or other women. 

 This is the point you have to be very clear and firm with him. You explain it to him calmly that’s when you signed up to marry him, fidelity was part of the package and you’re not going to share him with any other woman.

You also have to explain to him how deeply hurt you have been and that you deserve an apology for all the suffering and heartache he has put you through.

You can also explain to him the health implications as well and the honest truth is that even though you still love him very dearly, you don’t trust him at all and that is a big issue for you.

At this point, he might not reply or respond immediately and that is fine you need to be patient because it is crucial that he apologises. No proper apology means that he doesn’t regret his actions and he will most likely resume them at a future date.

He also needs to commit to earning your trust and rebuilding your relationship.

Hopefully, after much thinking and deciding that he cannot afford to continue like this, he will ask you what it will take to earn your trust back again.

At this point, you are almost at the finish line. In fact, I would say you have won but there are still a few things that you need to get to happen before you have officially crossed the finish line.

If you need more convincing on this no sex issue while your husband is cheating please read this blog post here from a male counselor’s perspective

Step Four: Reconciliation and Re-building

So what is left for you to do? You need to outline some terms and conditions. 

Note these discussions you’ll be having with your husband has to be civil and calm.

Now what will make up those terms and conditions is largely up to you. But your goal here is for him to demonstrate the fact that he has quit the other woman or women and two he is committed to rebuilding love and trust with you.

So what I will write below is just some recommendations feel free to adopt or make changes or create your own:

He needs to stop seeing the other woman or women.

You need to be explicitly clear about this and he needs to show or demonstrate that he has done so.

I can’t exactly tell what this would look like for you but you would know it because it will show in his actions mainly. For example, if it was an affair with his secretary he would fire her. Or he will stop staying out late. Or he will stop getting those ‘phone calls and text messages’. Or if he goes to a particular club he will stop.

Pray as a couple

Start praying as a couple again and going to church or if you never have done so in the past now will be a good time to start. This prayer routine by the special grace of God should last your entire life and your husband is less likely to slip again if he has a strong relationship with God.

It will also help restore your marriage by bringing much-needed healing and forgiveness. Making God the centre of your home is the surest way of keeping your marriage working going forward.

 Get Counselling

Make arrangements to meet up with a priest or pastor or counsellor to help you both navigate this period. One of the best ways to ensure his return is permanent is to help him understand and come to terms with his mistake and then help him to start working towards building a strong marriage with you.

He may not know how to make that happen and that is where people who are good models or people with expertise can step in to assist.

Now, these sessions should not just be before him but for you as well. It takes two to build a good marriage.

Medical Testing

Have him undergo a medical test to ensure that he is safe for you to be with again.

I know you might be thinking he will never do these things. But the truth is if he is really committed to change he may struggle to do them, but he will eventually do them and his willingness to do them is a powerful sign to you that truly your husband has returned to you.

Now why all this is happening he is essentially on some kind of probation. Again, I won’t want to put a timeline on how long it should take for you and your husband to resume sexual intimacy. 

Just know that the period should not be too short and neither should it be too long. (I would suggest that it doesn’t exceed six months) the real key here is that he demonstrates the fact that he has changed and he is totally committed to being with you and only you again.

Now you may be wondering about how long all this may take. Whether it would even work at all? I honestly cannot tell you that. I am not God. It may take weeks, months or years what I do know is that even a drop of water dripping on a rock consistently will eventually break it. 

Nothing good or worth fighting for comes easy and Christ never gave up on us. 

As for all these suggestions working I say give it a try. Trying is always better than staying in one place and doing nothing any day. 

And that is it. I know that there is a lot to unpack here so if you need to come back again to read this, feel free to do so.

I may be adding more and more things and by that, I mean more suggestions. If I come across anything that other women are using that is working I will update this post.

I guess all that is left for me now to do is to say a short prayer for you: I pray that God repairs your marriage and that he will give you the grace to fight and win this battle and after you win you will turn around and help other sisters who are going through this.

P.s 

If you find success with this. Please consider sending me a mail just saying that it has worked for you. Your testimonial will help encourage others.

Note

I am not a professional counsellor, but I am passionate about happy relationships and happy marriages both in the real world and in the fiction world ( I also write clean romance novels)

And what you just read is the fruit of much research and a deep desire to help wives who are struggling with this problem.

Now you may have come here and completely disagree with what I have written and that is fine. I wish you all the best in finding a solution.

Stay blessed.

You may also find this post useful later: How to Make your Husband Want You all The time